“Things are going amazing in life!” This is literally where I was at just a little over a week ago. It has taken me SO much to finally say that I love everything about my life! I really felt I was finally starting to break free of the dark cloud depression I had been in for a while. Some of you know that I was in an abusive marriage, left 5 years ago, but still dealing with the affects of that. It’s gotten so much better, especially this past year. However there are times where sometimes I get triggered. It’s usually by a situation that feels extremely out of control or where I feel “threatened”. Which is exactly what happened this past week. I was triggered which turned into an anxiety attack and then days of depression after that. It was Mother’s Day weekend and I just wanted to be left the F alone in my dark cave of misery. Even though in my head it feels like perfect peace, (as the self pity, my life sucks, mantra continues on repeat in my head). I was doing so good! How did this happen??
Life isn’t easy, man! I think it takes these moments to make us step back and reevaluate ourselves. I don’t like being that way. I don’t want to have triggers that will capacitate me half mentally and physically for a week. I don’t have TIME for that crap. The constant lies of “you’re not good enough, why even try” in my head, is not exactly what I want for my life. It’s hard to be social during those times too… the last thing you want to do is muster up the strength to pretend you’re all good when you’re not… and being honest with how you feel in front of people, well who wants a party pooper, right? Seeing myself this way makes me want to focus on being better, and healing than ever before. I had to take a step back and look at what I was doing that may have caused this trigger. I had been busy working, shooting, taking care of the kids, the house, the everything that I forgot to take care of me. And it’s literally tiny decisions throughout my day where I’m choosing to put myself last which leads me to completely bottom out. We have to remember to refuel ourselves. We have to remember to choose things in our life that will refuel our souls so that we can allow us to continue loving those around us. When we let this slip, you turn into me last week.
I don’t want depression to rob me of my life. It will rob me of my motherhood, it will rob me of my marriage, it will rob me in every single way it possibly can, unless I do something about it…
That is why when I moved, I started shooting boudoir in Utah. Not just to make money, because honestly I was making twice as much photographing babies and pregnancy in LA. If I didn’t have kids, a husband, a house, a business, and everything else to support, I would probably do it for free because that’s how passionate I am about empowering women through photographs of themselves. PS… if you know a woman with breast cancer, please send her my way (boudoir shoot on the house). These aren’t just photos of yourself, babe. This is a moment, where you get to be honest with yourself. This is a moment where you get to peel back all the layers and completely be you. No one is judging you, I certainly am not. We are together in free spirit, capturing you in a very real and honest way. The most magical part of all this, is when you come back and get to see yourself this way. In a very intimate and honest way. THAT is sexy.
Get on the waitlist! The studio opens this summer, as soon as we open you will be called to schedule your 2018 boudoir shoot in Heber City, Utah.
Where’s Heber City? It’s 20 minutes from Park City, 30 from Provo, and about 45 from the center of Salt Lake City. Want a boudoir shoot and don’t live in Utah? Many of my clients who come from out of state will have a weekend getaway to the beautiful mountains of Park City. While others might want me to come to their state or country. Either way, I’d love to photograph you!
PS… If you struggle with depression, self doubt, PTSD, etc… watch this video. It’s absolutely amazing! It’s a bit long, about 20 minutes but take a moment to really listen. Even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom with headphones on (ha! been there before).